Side-effects and nothingness.

I have worked in the world of menopause for 10 years. Alongside the deep connection to my body and nervous system that Yoga and Somatics has given me, I am acutely aware of all that menopause can be, and all that HRT can help and hinder.

It was a recipe for a nuanced journey!

I felt good in my body, happy enough to deal with aging as it comes, and delighted to have navigated perimenopause and menopause and found ways to improve my sleep, reduce hot flushes and anxiety, feel strong, and stay mobile and active. Osteoporosis was the only thing I hadn’t been able to avoid or improve.

I didn’t feel my body was letting me down: there were so many reasons my bones were not optimal, as listed in part 1 of this blog series.

I did not feel that HRT would be a cop out, or a mark of failure.

But I did not want it. I do not want it. I trust my body.

But I also know how destructive the complications of osteoporosis are. I have devoted the last 2.5 years to researching how to reduce those complications (i.e. reduce fracture risk), and creating a Yoga for Bone Health teacher training to help yoga teachers understand osteoporosis, the feelings it brings up, safety in class and proactive ways we can protect ourselves even without increasing bone density. I know it’s possible for me to live WITH osteoporosis.

But I know that without intervention, bones are only going one way! Complications of osteoporosis pose a risk to life, and I have two daughters I want to be around for, and capable of loving life for myself, and with them.

So, I took the drugs (HRT), feeling they would buy me time so that osteoporosis meds would be an option in later life if necessary.

BUT!! I KNOW that I will still continue being careful to eat enough to nourish my bones to help them as the estrogen does its work sending signals to them to build. They can’t improve without the raw materials.

They also still need STIMULUS! So: I will also CONTINUE TO WORK ON STRENGTH because when I come off HRT, hopefully with stronger bones, I will need a habit of strength supports to reduce their subsequent deterioration.

Day 1 of HRT was an anti-climax. I think I expected fireworks of delight or destruction! But then…

Fear of the unknown!

First thing I noticed was… shame? A need for privacy? Exposure? Previously, I have been happy to declare out loud (at the pharmacy, in my work-related social media, with friends etc) that I use Vagirux: vaginal oestrogen. But, unlike myself, I whispered to the pharmacist, I hid my patch in the changing room at the pool, I put it under my swimming togs after that for weeks, and this is my first time talking about it to people who study with me, read my blogs, and connect with me on social media. A new thing for me, to struggle with being entirely open.

I am ashamed of my shame. I still don’t know what that reticence is about. I have never judged HRT users and don’t judge myself. But it feels somehow alien. I don’t like the unknown weirdness of what’s leeching from this gluey patch adhered to me.

But if I am going to see if it improves my bones, I have to be on it for 2 years (that’s the gap between DEXA scans). So if I can handle the side effects, I will have to handle this.

(6 weeks on, I wear them on my thighs, now visible in the pool, and I feel less self-conscious, but still weird!)

Thoughts, (not necessarily logical!):

• I’m lucky to have an early diagnosis because if I was lots older, starting HRT would be much less safe.
• If I get through year one on HRT without a stroke, I will feel a little relief (it’s more likely in the first year).
• If it doesn’t work for my bones that will be crap, but I’ll be relieved to come off it.
• If I get cardiovascular disease or breast cancer while I’m on it, I will blame it.
• Maybe I will feel fab and magically look 10 years younger and bag myself a handsome man.
• What man wants an osteoporotic 54 year old with medicine glued to her leg?!
• These thoughts and the side-effects (below) have offered me yet another layer of compassion and understanding for the people I teach, train and work with.
• HRT is not a life sentence; I can stop if I want.
• What I have done for the last 10 years, and the things I have said to clients to soothe them (like the last thought above), is helping me with my own self-talk.

Side effects: entirely unexpected:

• Disrupted sleep
• Weird whole body anxiety/jitteriness, like every nerve ending tremoring.
• Weird fainting sensations: a second or two feeling like the ground has disappeared, and having to grab a wall
• More hot flushes
• Shooting pains in one breast
• Bloating
• Abdominal pain
• Feeling like I’m in perimenopause all over again! HORRIBLE to be back here!

Most of these abated after 3 or 4 weeks (just like my body got used to reduced hormones after perimenopause) apart from a little bloating and pain. I am addressing this through more careful eating (slower eating, chewing more, gentle foods well-cooked, peppermint capsules etc) and making sure I move often during the day. It’s not working as reliably as when I have had digestive upsets before. I don’t know what I will do if the digestive pain continues.

I am holding my breath hoping it goes away, hoping nothing else arises…

It’s apparent to me that I will go through perimenopause-like adjustments again when I stop HRT.

Nothingness:

I don’t feel in any way better! No big energy changes, no youthful skin, no sense of greater emotional balance or resilience (no handsome man!!!). Apart from the current pain side effect, I would say I feel the same. So if it resolves, that’s an ok place to dwell.

Doctor check-up after 7 weeks: Blood pressure remains good. He checked my abdomen and my colon is a little inflamed. I have since learned of studies suggesting HRT may cause irritable bowel in some women (other studies suggest it may help symptoms! What a minefield!). We don’t think changing the type of progesterone is likely to help, and we can’t reduce the estradiol as I am on the lowest dose proven to support bone density. S

So, I am to keep an eye on things, and we are aiming for a DEXA in 1 year instead of 2, to see if this kerfuffle is worthwhile!

Watch this space, and I’ll report back then!!

If you would like to train with me you can click the link above in bold, find out about Yoga for Menopause and Beyond training here, or you can join me for your own care. I work one-to-one helping people WITH osteoporosis (and/or other common movement issues 50+) or via my Yoga and More for Menopause and Beyond membership. Click the bold text to see the relevant options.